BLIZWARD

The artist's statement

It all started as a joke really, not that I didn't take it seriously as an exercise but, just me as a musician, I could not, I still can't... 
I think there's not a lot of... um..., I really admire the people who can bring something new and fresh. I respect the artform and it's a really worthy pursue in life to, you know, play, compose and get better at it, but I was not really convinced that I had something to bring to the table.
What changed is that... I had been sick for two years at that point and it felt like my whole space was reduced to my room. And music was the only thing that really still felt accessible to me. The only thing that would, you know, give me a reason to get out of bed.
I mean... It felt meaningful and gave me a purpose beyond the day to day, something more fulfilling than eating, sleeping and entertaining myself.
I was in my room trying to figure what I could play and I realized I could litterally play the room. That's why I said it was a joke earlier because I called this piece, quote unquote, Room Study. Study, for me, meant: «I use a fancy word to explain I'm not sure what I'm doing».
I remember that I worked with an amplifier and a microphone and I sent feedbacks through the room. Basically I was trying to record how feedbacks would be triggered in that particular space.
Depending on the size and all... physics, you know?
And then I started to play around with this idea of space.
What happens if I open the window and let the garden in, what happens if I record in a different room.
I took my headphones and turned the volume up and put them right next to the microphone and then I could trigger feedbacks as I wanted to, improvise with that... I discovered I could make music out of this simple idea.
And I realized that space, through music, was not just a tiny room.
It's easy to give the illusion of space. I mean... REALLY easy.
Who's to tell I'm not where it sounds like I am? 
Who's to tell I'm not who it sounds like I am?
I tried to make it interesting, that was the idea. It's not true, it's more interesting than that.
Does context matter?

This freedom we have now with computers to just play the music we want,  the music we hear. If you want, now, you can basically have an orchestra playing in your bedroom. 
From what I understood, I was supposed to write a « radio piece », so that would mean sounds I would play myself, field recordings, musique concrète...
I'm kinda feeling guilty about that.
But nobody is going to be able to hear what there is in my head if i'm not recording it.
And, And I, And then I tried to... Where was I...
My idea was to speak out. I'm not special but I know I hear things in a way that most people don't, I know I think in a way that most people don't and I learned this the hard way by, you know, confronting myself to the world and being called odd, or crazy, or the kind of terms people use because they can't, um, think of anything better than that.
The kind of comments that add up after a while.
I'm not trying to sound cool.
I'm not special or different as in more interesting. I'm only trying to make sense out of things, process them in a way that works for me, and there's nothing cool in that.
I just wish you could experience it too, so that we could share something. Anyway...
So yeah... it all started as a joke and after the fact I conceptualized this idea of « whispers », of the internal monologue.
The mind being a particular space and all.
We all have this kind of internal monologue and I thought that I could play it as an interview. That I could just let people figure the questions and come up with their own answers. 
I don't want to be obvious about what I'm trying to achieve. I don't want to make you feel like I'm babysitting you through the music. I think I'm giving you enough to feed your own thoughts, your own imagination.
That's the idea but, as I said, I'm only doing it because nobody would do it for me.
So, where was I?

Oh, yeah, I was in that room.
Oddly enough, when COVID started was also the time where I was able to get back my life, because I was not so sick anymore and I could actually move in a place and live on my own. I could study again and try to make sense of what I could do with my life now, because I was... I had been really ill... and I... I could have died. 
Once you've been there, there is no going back from that, and you have to always remember, not that quote unquote, « life is short », but that you get what you put in it. 
If you just wait for things to happen, well, things do happen but you really don't want to be at the mercy of fate like that. It's better to plan ahead and help good things happen than just hope, and, you know, music is a good thing.
When I listen to something, I might feel it's a bit of a waste of everybody's time and space to play that, and then I remember that the person singing is not selling weapons or poisoning people.
I try to remember that, when I experience music and arts in general. Nobody got hurt in the process, nobody.
And you know, in these times and days, it's really precious to have ways to interact with the world that are not... predatory.
And I find that music, and art in general, is a great way to answer how we can grow as a society because it makes no sense to stop evolving, to stop learning, because we can't just stop.
I mean, as human beings we are just, wired.
We're just wired to go on and invistigate.
And while you're investigating what's in your head, at least you're not using anybody's time, anybody's ressources or anybody's space.
Sharing is really important... I think.
If you spend too much time in your head on your own and never share, it starts to feel cramped and you get lost in your own ideas and you get lost in your own space and you can feel really overwhelmed by it, even feel like you are trapped within yourself. 
That's when it starts to be a problem, when you get hurt by the way you experience the world or when you hurt people by the way you... well, you relate to them.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed?

I really wanted to be able to share my life, my daily life with people because I really felt isolated back then.
There was a sense of intimacy that I wanted to share too, because I had to reconsider what intimacy means because when you have a stoma bag, like I have, you don't approach intimacy the same way that you would typically and you have to be careful with people because you can easily... hurt them.
I know it sounds a bit silly when I say you can hurt people by just being ill but it's true, it's true... and if you're not careful... well, your responsibility is not to avoid hurting them, you can't always hide... 
I mean, you can, but it's just avoiding to adress the issue and it's not good for you, you just... feel more and more lonely, eventually, and you still need support so people need to understand what you're going through. 
So, you don't have to be responsible for the way they feel but you have to acknowledge the fact that... what you're showing to the world can be hurtful to people who don't have... people who don't have the kind of experience you have.
I'm comfortable with who i am, i've had time to adjust, but... people... They didn't have time, so either they have experienced it first hand, or, well, you have to find words or ways to convey the information and not break the link you're trying to establish and maintain.
And that, I think, is a really intimate thing, being able to share something with somebody, and you bring your own ideas and feelings to the table and the other person processes these ideas and feelings through their own heart and mind.
Through their own space. 
You're not telling them how to think, you're just giving them enough information without overwhelming them and then you trust that they will draw the best conclusions.
We can't, really, right now,  gather and listen together to music anymore but that already was a problem for me before, and I found that if I could invite people, invite you, in my own space, it would answer this issue we have. 
The nice thing with the whole process of recording, is that afterward I can edit it, and I can go back to it and make it sound more articulate. You really can put forward a better version of yourself. Or at least one that is easier to share.
But that raises the question of authenticity.
It's nice, here, standing at the window, I like it.

As I was saying earlier, it all started as a joke because I didn't feel like I had the right to play, or to write, music.
Does it really matter if it's true? Ah, I'm not sure, I mean, what matters to me, the most, is that it feels genuine.
So as long as it's... genuine, and that we both agree that i'm not going to... to hurt you if you trust me, that's, that's fine.
How can I say that...
Where was I?
I mean, when I'm lost in my own thoughts I can litterally go back to the recording and listen to it, so... That also is a bit of a fake... um... me wondering where i am, but i'm trying hard to make it as genuine as possible by not cheating and going back to the recording. I'm really trying to go back to my own trail of thought. 
And at least it gives you space to... um... to think, it leaves you space to understand what's happening right now... I hope... 
Yeah, I just realized something: is that i'm trying to make it believable and interesting too because, even though you're not hurting anybody, nobody likes to have their time wasted. 
But I believe that, when you try and find your own voice and you share it truthfully with somebody, even though it doesn't sound interesting at first, if you're being yourself, I believe that, well, something genuine is still conveyed. 
How do you know it's genuine? Well, I think it has to do with the fact that there's room for mistake and that you don't try to hide every one of them. You trust that the other can judge you and still listen.
Mistakes. They can tell more about you than what you're doing right. 
More often than not, you've been taught to do things right, to do things in a way that has been tried and tested. But your little mistakes, your hesitations, your quirks, they are unique to you. 
We all have to make do with our abilities.
Do you make mistakes?

I couldn't record that in a single take, I can't play my music in single takes, I can't do anything in single takes really, eh, that's a skill I don't have, so, you know...
We have that in common.
We both can edit it.
You could listen to that in different places, you could listen to that at different moments, bit by bit like i'm recording it.
There's no risk in it. There's no risk taken as we would take if I was playing a monologue on stage and you were here listening. I'm not an actor! I'm doing it to the best of my abilities. I never pretended to be an actor.
I didn't lie to you...
I'm not lying.
And If I intend to trick you, and we both know that I can, because I'm using this medium, well, I'm not really lying, am I?
I mean, ultimately, art is a compelling balance between lie and truth, truth is usually boring. Sincerity is not, though. Sincerity carries intension and conveys something about who we are.
Are you sincere?
That's a balance we're all trying to achieve, aren't we?
Balance between something that is... That sounds spontaneous and still carries meaning, something that is complex yet easy to follow... easy to share.
I don't think it would be fair for me to use more of your time. If I knew how to make things in a better way, I really would do it, so... You have to believe that I'm doing my best here. 
Thank you for listening. 
Really.
Thank you and take care.
Sorry.
Are you Okay?